Recently, I've shared some things in this blog that I didn't think I'd ever share publicly. In some way it feels like I'm "coming clean", although I don't think I've done anything wrong. Nevertheless, I felt ashamed. Being single is stigmatized. Our culture is pretty insistent that everyone needs to experience true love at some point. And while I shared my dream with you that at some point she will hear my song and find me, I'm too much of a nihilist not to acknowledge how incredibly unlikely that is. I've already told you that I'm prepared to die alone. I was so ashamed of this that I made several attempts to write about it before but always deleted the post and wrote about something else instead. But this is behind me now. Not only am I not ashamed anymore, I have found a mission. But this will require a bit of longer explanation, so buckle up.
As human beings we often think that we have left our evolutionary roots behind and are now fully in charge of our own destiny. However, we cannot deny that especially when it comes to mating, evolution still shapes the our behavior in ways we cannot control. Falling in love is a process that mainly takes place in subcortical structures of our brain, completely out of reach from conscious thought. Many would say it's better that way as this is probably the most mystified experience of the human condition. But it was not made for the world we live in. One might say that human mating is a classic example of an evolutionary mismatch. Something that was advantageous for adaptation but through changing environments is not anymore.
Since you're living in the same world as I do, your first instinct is probably to think of the internet, online dating, social media, beauty influencers and porn sites. All of these things are so new that they're just a blip on evolutionary time scales. But these things only worsen a problem that goes back way further, but still not as far to become relevant on evolutionary time scales: civilization. You might be surprised to learn that our biology assumes that we live in small tribes of hunter-gatherer groups of maybe 50-150 individuals. That's how it was for most of human evolution, so that's what our brains are designed for. Being in a mating pool with millions of candidates and just as many competitors is a completely new phenomenon.
The first stages of finding a mate are mainly driven by dopaminergic pathways. An affectionate response from a potential mate triggers dopamine while rejection triggers our anterior cingulate cortex, the same area of the brain which processes physical pain. Essentially, it's a biological implementation of reinforcement learning. But while the limited pool of candidates and competitors, as well as social structures has this mechanism converge on a semi-optimal pairing in small hunter-gatherer groups, a setup with a near infinite pool of candidates and missing social structures amplifies multiple error modes. One such error mode is what in reinforcement learning terms is called "goal extinction". The disappearance of a behavior in absence of any positive reward.
What I'm talking about is the effect that frequent rejection can cause individuals to fully give up on searching for a mate as their brain tells them it's not worth the energy expenditure because the chances of success are close to zero. This is an error mode tolerated by evolution because in small groups it is plausible that no potential mate is available and the individuals are more useful performing tasks that benefit the whole group than endlessly searching for a mate. In modern societies, especially with the addition of the internet but also before that, this behavior is far more common. With more extreme role models, more unrealistic expectations and simply more competition this should be unsurprising. But what I did find surprising when researching this is that there does not even seem to be a name for this phenomenon (at least I couldn't find one). All of them are either too broad or come with additional connotations. Hence, I'm proposing the term "romantic resignation".
Throughout history, human societies have had different ways to deal with romantic resignation. Some, like ancient Rome under Augustan law have punished childless individuals with higher taxes. In protestant regions of early and modern Europe singlehood was equated with uselessness and even seen as a moral failure. On the other hand, catholic Europe in the middle ages provided prestigious outlets for single individuals in the form of monastic life. Celibates contributed to society in prestigious positions by working as scholars, managing land or being spiritual leaders. Also in ancient China under Confucian tradition unmarried sons could support their extended family by becoming scholars or officials. Naturally, romantic resignation was not the only factor causing individuals in these societies to be unmarried, but I'm fairly certain it was one.
So what about our current society? I'd say it falls somewhere in between. While there is no punishment for being single, as I mentioned in the beginning of this post it is culturally stigmatized. Society makes it painfully clear that couplehood is the norm which anyone who has been single for a longer period of time will know. The reason for this is the same as it was for ancient Rome or protestant Europe: increasing fertility rates. Producing more offspring is generally desired for any society, so putting pressure on individuals to mate is natural. But we might ask if this is working and if it is worth the distress it causes to individuals suffering from romantic resignation.
Examining the previously mentioned examples, evidence is inconclusive at best as the way Augustin's rule affected fertility remains debatable. A classic example of stigmatizing bachelorhood and promoting childbearing is Mussolini’s "Battle for Births", which is generally seen as a failure. On the other hand, medieval catholic societies that offered celibacy as inclusive niches grew just fine when conditions otherwise allowed it. Notably, modern pro-natalist policies such as cache support and childcare leave can cause moderate increases in fertility, at least under some circumstances.
So my conclusion from this is that our cultural stigma on bachelors is misguided. If we want to increase fertility it is far more effective to incentivize childbirth than to punish singlehood. All this stigma has done is inflict distress on people who might otherwise be valuable members of society and birth the "incel" (involuntary celibate) subculture which is known for toxicity and sometimes even crimes against women. Incels are probably a prime example of people suffering from romantic resignation, however they make the mistake to blame women for their predicament. As someone who suffers from romantic resignation myself, I strongly reject any association with them. After reading until this point, you hopefully already understand why but I still want to elaborate.
Women are not at fault, as their mating behavior is just as much dictated by evolution as that of men. I strongly support the right of every woman to find the best mate available to them, even if it is never me. In fact, I think that everyone should make the best of this confusing situation their poor monkey brains find themselves in, be it men, women, trans-men, trans-women or any member of the LGBTQ+ community. And I've recently realized that the best I can do for me is to keep the dream alive but come to terms with my romantic resignation.
So when I say that I'm prepared to die alone, what I now mean is that I'm prepared to live the best, happiest liefe I can until then. That I'll stick it to anyone who considers me a "looser" just because I'm single. That I'll stick it to society for trying to make me miserable. And that I'll stick it to all those incels who think they need to be miserable just because society is trying to make them.
I think a cultural shift is in order. We should show those who cannot find a mate that there are alternative ways to be happy. We need more popular characters that have no mating success but still live a fulfilling life. We need more people that love themselves despite their romantic resignation. So that's who I am now. I will keep on dreaming that at some point "she" will come into my life but I won't go looking for her. I will accept that it is unlikely that my dream will ever come true but I won't let this define my self-worth. And I will probably live the rest of my life alone, but I will do it in the most beautiful way I can manage.
Because I'm romantically resigned and still proud of myself.
