People like it when you tell them things they already believe. That’s what we’re told and, at least to some degree, it is probably true. But did you ever feel frustrated with hearing the things you already believe repeated over and over again? Aren’t you also sometimes sick of everyone trying to charm you by validating your opinion? Whether it’s marketers who want to sell you something, acquaintances who want something from you or just random passerbys who want to make conversation without causing drama. One might even say, casually challenging people’s beliefs is considered impolite. It’s like picking a fight for no reason. We don’t casually punch each other in the face either.
But aren’t the most interesting conversations those where we learn something new about ourselves? And aren’t those insights usually caused by a disagreement? Aren’t we depriving each other of the chance for personal growth we could get by confronting our own internal consistencies? Yes and no. While challenging your own views is among the most insightful activities to pursue from time to time, it is also difficult and scary. You can’t know in advance how bad it’s going to be. You need to be prepared and in the right mindset to approach it. Forcing another person to do this is intrusive and indeed impolite. Like many good things, it requires consent.
The trouble is, we don’t have a good mechanism for consenting to this. When people publicly share their opinion, they usually ask for feedback afterwards. But although this might seem like the consent mechanism we were looking for, it’s actually the least appropriate time to criticize someone. They have just done an incredibly scary thing by exposing a piece of themselves in front of a crowd. Although they might use one of many strategies to hide it, they are feeling selfconscious. It’s a moment of vulnerability, not of calm and reflection.
Casual conversations are no better. When people are chatting with each other, they want that hit of oxytocin, they don’t want to get in an argument. Rightfully so, most arguments people have are exhausting and unhelpful. Most of the time, people are fighting over differing fundamental views that have no right or wrong answer. Is it ok to eat non-human animals? At what point does a fetus become a human being? Should you kill an innocent person to save the life of many others? You can argue about it, but most people don’t just change their minds about these things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they are not worth arguing about, just that these arguments will rarely lead to the deep insights you are craving. What you need is for someone to accept your standpoint on those questions as a premise and prove to you with comprehensible steps how they lead to contradictions.
Suddenly this sounds like a task that might be too difficult for the average person. It requires them to fully adopt your point of view temporarily, think critically about it and formulate their concerns in a structured argument. Most people fail at the first step and simply explain their opinion. Many who can adopt your viewpoint do so because it’s similar to theirs anyways and they’re happy you agree with them, so they fail at the second step. But being able to formulate a structured argument that can be understood emotionally sounds like an impossible feat. Can you really blame people for not being able to do that?
Ok, but let’s turn this the other way round. Let’s say you found a genuine inconsistency in someone’s viewpoint that they would probably also see if it was pointed out to them. Do you tell them? What is the right situation for such a conversation? How do you know if they are consenting? Maybe you’re lucky and catch them in a situation where the atmosphere is just so perfect for deep conversations that consent is just implied. Late at night at a campfire, during a stargazing session or sitting on a lonely beach. But what if those chances don’t present themselves?
My solution to this, although I know it might be even more difficult, is to try and make them find it out themselves. Without actually telling them, you can throw them a few breadcrumbs. The key is patience and persistence. If done right, they might have an epiphany at some point and won’t even know it was you who showed them. It may be thankless work, you don’t get to claim any laurels, but it’s the greatest gift you can give them, even though they won’t even know they received a fit at all.
But with or without breadcrumbs, the only person who can really challenge your views is you. Stay skeptical of your beliefs and you’re on the path to improvement. Unless you’re religious, of course. Then you have outsourced that process and can forward any challenging questions to sour spiritual leaders. However, I can’t imagine anyone who is truly religious to be reading this blog. If I’m wrong about this, please reach out. I’d be fascinated to hear from you.
