This is a very personal post that I feel very insecure about writing, but it's something I've been struggling with greatly and that I just need to get out there. It's about mental illnesses and how useless people from you so called "support network" can be when it comes to that topic. Before I start, I have to make one thing clear: mental illnesses are no different from physical illnesses in the sense that nobody is immune to all of them and everyone will catch at least one at some point, that there are more and less severe ones and that most of them can be treated. It is very important that when I say "mental illness", I don't just mean the very bad ones like manic depression, schizophrenia or psychosis. From the degree of severity, those can be compared to heart diseases, dangerous infections or cancer. There's also milder ones that can be compared more to broken bones, cut wounds or a mild cough. Those are the ones I mainly want to focus on here because that's where I think many people have a sever blind spot.
Let's say you have a friend who has a risky hobby, like free climbing, wind surfing or mountain biking. They love that activity and often contract some minor injuries, so sometimes you see them with a black eye, a bandage or very rarely even a broken leg. All their wounds are always cared for and heal soon, but sometimes your friend complains about the pain and might not be able to participate in all activities you would have wanted to do. What would you do in that situation? Would you tell your friend to give up on that hobby? Would you ask them to consider getting professional help? Would you demand that they just shut up about their pain and leave you alone with it? Unless you are a bit of a dick, you probably wouldn't do any of these things.
But now imagine the injuries your friend has are mental illnesses and that is exactly what everyone does. People do not want to hear about other's mental illnesses and if you dare to annoy them with it, all they ever do is tell you to "get help". There is never any compassion. Nobody is ever proud at you for properly dealing with mental illnesses. If they catch any glimpse of you having a mental illness, the assumption is that it must be untreated because the only "well treated" mental illness is one that nobody notices and that the person experiencing it is completely alone with.
If you see someone who has badly cut themselves in the hand while cooking, put a bandage on it and is now complaining about their hand hurting, you would probably comfort them. You would totally understand it if they were to stop cooking, but if they'd continue you'd feel at least some admiration for their dedication. If that person was suffering was just crying because of an equally strong but equally curable mental illness, you would not comfort them at all. Instead, you would tell them to get professional help although you know nothing about their problem, you would get angry at them for not listening to your advice and you would basically expect them to continue cooking.
So do you really wonder why people hide their mental illnesses? Why it makes them feel alone, unloved and frustrated? Why they sometimes fail to treat an otherwise harmless one that spirals out of hand and becomes a more severe one? Why everyone is always so surprised when people harm themselves?
Nobody has any idea how healthy the psyche of the people around them is. Nobody can tell the difference between someone with a gaping wound that needs urgent attention and someone with lots of little scars that are neatly bandaged. We cannot see each other's soul. Mental health is a taboo topic, even among the most open minded people. It has been established as a social norm to not talk about it and if you break that norm, it must be so bad that you should basically think about living in an asylum at that point. We're all keeping our mouth shut about our problems, so who do you think you are for wanting any empathy for that now?!
I'd love to live in a society where people are more aware of others' mental health. Usually I like to end my posts with an appeal on how to improve things, but this time it's a bit complicated. The problem is that we're stuck in one of these stupid Nash equilibria. People who suffer minor mental illnesses have no incentive to talk to others about it, and if you're at the receiving end, it's reasonable to assume that their problem is actually quite severe. Just like the prisoner's dilemma, only if both parties are aware of the problem and can communicate about it can they achieve a better outcome. So, if any of what I wrote resonated with you, please talk to other people about this. It might not be the most fun activity, but if the people you know value empathy it might resonate with them, too.
