I hope you're having a wonderful time with (or despite) your family. Or, if you're not celebrating Christmas, I hope you're having a wonderful time anyways.
Please do me a favor and read the following only if you're in a mental state where your mood will not be ruined by reading a sad text. Because I'm sitting here, right now on Christmas eve, and suddenly felt the inspiration to write this. So here we go.
Do you know how people make holes in their body? Ears, noses and lips are common places for that, but other body parts are available. It shows the amazing adaptability of our bodies. Usually when you hurt yourself, it heals back to how it was before, but if you keep puncturing, keep hurting the body says "screw this" and your body will accommodate the new form. It won't go back to how it was before and, crucially, it won't hurt anymore.
It works with our tissue, but it works with our soul as well. If you keep puncturing, keep poking, keep hurting, the soul can also accommodate a hole. I guess Christmas eve is one of these moments where the puncturing and hurting can be especially violent, which is probably the reason I'm writing this right now. I feel it a little, but it's so strange to remember how terrible it felt some time ago. It used to paralyze me, lead me to do stupid things and just plainly used to ruin my day. Not anymore. Not because I'm actually better but because instead of a gaping wound, only a hole remains that my soul learned to accommodate.
It's funny really. In a sense I actually *am* better. I might even be better off than most people. Imagine the look on someone's face who tries to stab you in the heart, just to find that there was a hole there all along.
On the other hand, I really don't know how I feel about permanent holes. I never wanted any piercings or tattoos, not because I think there's anything wrong with that, just because I like my body to be unmodified. I did not choose to have a hole in my soul, either. Yet, I feel like it is past the point where it can ever be closed. Maybe that's ok. The hole is certainly better than the pain.
So, if you're worried about me now, don't be. As I said, I'm fine. Enjoy your time this Christmas, especially if you're with people you love.
Enjoy *being able to love*.
