I was talking to a colleague recently about ego and how I thought it's pretty useless while she said that ego is useful, but only in moderation. When discussing it I quickly realized that we were both right, we just had different definitions for the term "ego". And while it is utterly useless to debate semantics, I want to use this post to reflect this fascinating topic a little further without focusing too much on the definition of ego. Apparently, the English version of Wikipedia has only the Freudian definition and that's not at all what we were talking about and I think it's also net what most people mean when they say "ego".
My colleague considered ego to be essentially your entire concept of self, including your perceptions of and feelings towards yourself. To her credit, that definition might be more common than mine, making the terms "ego" and "self" essentially synonymous. Needless to say, I don't think that this is useless. What I think of as ego might be more accurately described as "ego bias". It's the part of yourself that manipulates you to like yourself more. And while I don't care if we call this part "ego", "ego bias" or anything else, I think it's important that we recognize it in ourselves. So let me try to explain what I mean:
If something went wrong and you're trying to find out why, there is a part of you that says "it can't have been my fault". On the other hand, if you're part of a team and the team accomplishes something, there is a part of you that says "I'm the one who did the most important job". It's the part of you that is very creative in coming up with metrics to compare yourself to others so you come out on top. Even if something happens that you cannot fully explain, this part of you will find some explanation that has something to do with you. It's the "ego" in the word "egocentrism". A model of yourself that is not designed to make accurate predictions but to stimulate your reward system.
Notably, there is also a counter force to this "ego bias". One that downplays your achievements, that inflates your errors and that tries to model you as useless, unimportant and disgraceful. An "anti ego bias", if you will. It works in very similar ways but with opposite goals. I thing that these two biases are more or less pronounced in different people and can be a significant part of their personality.
Trouble is, both biases prevent people from having a realistic model of themselves, although I think that most people would agree that having a realistic model of yourself is preferable. That may have been what my colleague meant when she was talking about "the right amount of ego". But I don't think it's helpful to understand these two biases as opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead, I'd suggest to imagine it more like a tug of war between these two forces. If you look at it like a spectrum, all you're saying is that you don't want either side to win. But that neglects the best way to achieve this: reducing the tension. If you want to have a realistic model of yourself, the best thing you can to is to not give in to either one of these biases.
So next time something goes wrong and you think it's not your fault, think again if that is really true or if your "ego bias" tries to steer you away from finding out what behavior you might not want to repeat in the future. Next time something good happens to you and you think you don't deserve it, think again if that is really true or if your "anti ego bias" tries to keep you from enforcing the behavior that made this achievement possible. The best thing you can do is learn from everything that happens, even if it's uncomfortable to neutrally asses your own role in it. Take a step back and look at the situation as if you and everyone involved was a stranger. Would you come to the same conclusion?
And most importantly, no matter what you may find out about yourself that way, never stop loving yourself! These biases are fueled by self hate and the fear thereof. But that can be mitigated by love as true love is unconditional. Once you're truly committed to be honest to yourself about absolutely everything, never betray yourself, and accept yourself like you are, you will be at peace. The tug of war ends, a state that cannot be represented on a spectrum.
