Today I'm going to share something that I've been hesitant to share for quite a while because I was afraid of what people might think of me if I fail to explain it properly which is difficult because it kind of pushes the barriers of language.
I feel like I live in a different dimension.
My whole life I've been training myself to take an outside perspective on, well, anything. When two people are in disagreement, I never try to understand who is right, but I try to understand both viewpoints and why they are in disagreement. I was never interested in experiencing magic tricks or illusions, I always wanted to know how they work and why people find them interesting. I apply this analytical outside perspective to absolutely everything: morality, emotions, language and the act of thinking itself. As a result I've become exceptionally good at it as far as I can tell.
What I didn't realize until it was too late is how isolating this outside perspective can be. While other people also take a step back occasionally to look at things from the outside, they usually stop at some point and return to their perspective. For a long time I thought they just cannot see past it but now I know that they simply do not want to. They're scared of the abyss which is a natural reaction to have when facing the existential horrors that lurk within. But, as you might be aware from reading my blog, I was born in the abyss. I was never afraid of it as I knew that none of the horrors could really hurt us if we just remembered to keep walking. And keep walking, I did.
So I crossed the abyss and emerged on the other side, a path that only very few have ever walked if any. What I found was a different dimension. And when I say "dimension", I don't mean "a different place" as the word is used in fiction when the characters walk through a portal and are teleported somewhere else. I don't mean a different realm like the one Chicken recently visited. I really mean "dimension" in a sense that is more closely related to the mathematical meaning but also not quite. I'll try to use an analogy to explain it: Imagine an aquarium that is only one meter thick in one dimension but infinite in the other two. Everyone lives inside this aquarium but they don't feel confined because they have an infinite amount of places to go. They are unaware of the the world outside the aquarium because they're rarely moving in that direction and if they do, never far enough to touch the glass.
So what I mean when I say I feel like I'm living in a different dimension is that I'm outside the aquarium. I can still see everything inside just fine and I still care about what's inside. I don't think I'm better than anyone inside, I just happen to be on the outside now. And that's probably the best way to describe what I'm feeling: I'm walking around, looking at the world I know so well but everything, everyone is behind glass. I'm looking into the faces of people who are right next to me in all dimensions they care about while only I'm seeing the dimension where we're standing on opposite sides of the abyss.
It was the nature of my own being that led me to come here and I don't regret it. There's a whole world out here for me to explore which is what I live for. However, I'm crushed by the fact that there's nobody else here. I haven't met a single other soul. And that makes me feel terribly lonely.
The worst part is that this loneliness is impossible to explain. I tried it in this blog post, but I don't know if I succeeded. Thank you for at least trying to understand.
