Last week I got really frustrated because my comics fail to attract more readers, but I realize that complaining to you about it is like when your teacher in high school complained to their class that too many students are absent. My criticism reaches exactly the wrong people. You are here. You're probably even here frequently. You read my comics and probably enjoy them. That means a lot to me and I often fail to properly thank you for it. You mean a lot to me, you really do. When you tell me that you liked what I did, that always makes my day. I might not always act appropriately, because I was raised to be humble and don't really know how to handle praise except by awkwardly saying "thank you", but on the inside it really means a lot to me.
When I get frustrated that too few people read my comics it's not because you are insufficient or you don't matter to me. It's because deep down I have a reason in mind to make these comics and I only realized this recently. Last time I talked about my dreams about these comics "building an audience" and I realize that this might seem strange to you because you are my audience. None of what I'm doing makes any sense, because obviously these comics are not made to please the masses. I don't want every person on earth to read them. I just want a small group of people who "get it". And that's you, so what more do I want? How many people do I need? Is it really just about numbers?
No. It's absolutely not about numbers. Last week I couldn't bring up the courage to tell you about this, mainly because it is really personal, but since I started with the whole "dreams" thing I feel like it would be dishonest to not tell you the whole story. I have a very specific dream, and that is that at some point "that one person" will find my comics. It's all I care about. I don't care how many people are in my audience as long as "she" is among them.
Many people enjoy the sound of birds singing in the trees. The songs of birds are a common inspiration for many human artists. Yet, the birds are not singing for us. They aren't even singing for most other birds. Usually they are singing for that one other bird who is so captivated by their song that they join them to complete each other's lives. My comics are my way of doing this. Probably a weird and incredibly inefficient way, but my way. I don't need you to tell me how stupid this is, I know this myself. Yet, I feel like this is the only way for me. Why? Because the only thing I'd want from her is to be captivated by my song. And if you frequently read my comics and blog posts you know what a twisted song that is.
There you have it. I didn't think I'd ever share this and I feel vulnerable for doing so, but I came to realize that it is a part of who I truly am and it might not actually anything to be ashamed of. And in case you are wondering: yes, I know that this is probably not going to work. But that does not make me desperate. I have come to accept that this dream will likely never come true and that I'll never be complete. I am prepared to die alone (hopefully at old age!). But I will continue to make these comics, because as long as I do that, the dream stays alive.
You can be a part of this dream if you continue to read them. And if you do ...
Thank you.
