This year, for the first time ever, I have my own Christmas tree. Getting to that point, however, was unexpectedly difficult. I usually don't blog about my life here, but today I wanted to tell you about the whole Christmas tree endeavor, as it was quite hilarious and led me to some interesting reflections.
First of all: why did I want a Christmas tree? Because I celebrated Christmas in my own home for the first time and I find that a Christmas tree is quintessential to be around on Christmas eve. If you're thinking now: "Why would a nihilist need a Christmas tree?", hold that thought! For now, just accept that I wanted one.
So, first complication: I don't own a car. But lots of other people don't either (at least in Germany), so there has to be a way to get a Christmas tree without a car, right? My first plan was to just go to a place where they sell Christmas trees and carry it home in a long and exhausting walk. Unfortunately, I soon realized that this is unrealistic, as Christmas trees are usually sold far out of town and all places that I could come up with would have taken me an hour to walk home from, even if I wasn't carrying a tree. So I contemplated taking the tree on a bus, taking a taxi or renting a car, but the cheapest and easiest option seemed to be ordering a tree online, after I discovered you could do that.
So I ordered a Christmas tree online. It felt like a strange thing to do at first, but, come to think of it, you can really order anything online these days. The shop helpfully offered to also sell me a stand for the tree, so I ordered one of those as well. The thing I was worried about, though, was how to make sure I'm home to receive the tree. But I figured that I'd get a tracking link, so I could just work from home when the tree arrives.
Unfortunately, I did not receive a tracking link. Instead, I received a cryptic message from some mail server that a message from the shop I ordered the tree from had been discarded due to some security shenanigans I didn't understand. Great. I tried to contact their customer support, which actually sent me the tracking link again. The only problem was that when I got the link, it already said "delivered", and I was at work. Thankfully, a very good friend of mine (shoutout!) lives in the same building as me. Turns out the parcel service had just placed the tree in the entryway.
This would be an otherwise unremarkable experience, if everything else had gone well. But there were more obstacles in my way, as the stand was not included in the parcel. It was shipped separately. I thought it would be fine if the stand arrives a few days later, so I placed the tree on my terrace and waited for the stand. The stand was set to arrive two days later. Unfortunately, that was the Friday before the Christmas break, so I had to go to the office that day. I was hoping that the parcel would be handed to a neighbor or be sent to a parcel shop. What I didn't expect was that the parcel service would take the parcel with them again to try to deliver it again on Saturday.
This was really bad, since Saturday was the last day before Chrismas where it would be possible to buy anything, as shops are always closed on Sunday in Germany. Naturally, that made me very nervous. I got even more nervous, when the tracking still said that the parcel was not even in the delivery vehicle at 1 pm. So I decided to buy a stand somewhere else. I called the nearest hardware store to ask if they had Christmas tree stands available and I'm really glad I called in advance, because they actually were completely sold out. How that was possible was beyond me, since it's a really huge store. So I called the next hardware store (which is already really far away for someone without a car) and they thankfully had one. So I went there. And it turned out to be a good call because the parcel with the stand never arrived.
I had to carry the stand most of the way, as the busses were utterly uncooperative that day, but at least I finally had everything needed to set up my first own Christmas tree. I even skipped over a few smaller problems, like when the baubles I had bought didn't come with hooks to hang them from, when the tree nearly got blown off my terrace in a strong wind and when I nearly got caught for fare evasion on the bus to the hardware store because I had been logged out of the app that contained my ticket and I didn't remember my password. It was really comical how many things went wrong.
As I was carrying the Christmas tree stand through the rainy weather, some part of me that is still left of my Christian upbringing gave me a thought: "What if god throws all these obstacles in my way because I'm not worthy of having a Christmas tree, as I'm not a proper Christian?". Being the nihilist that I am, I had a good laugh at that thought. It only took me a few seconds to realize that all challenges that had popped up had one thing in common: I had overcome them. If there actually was a god who didn't want me to have a Christmas tree, why would he make all the problems he had thrown into my way solvable? Had I beaten him? Had I become more powerful than god? Or was it his plan all along? Did he design these challenges for me to prove that I'm worthy of a Christmas tree?
What would that even mean? What would make you worthy of a Christmas tree? Why would I, a nihilist, even try to overcome that many challenges for something that is essentially a religious symbol? If my thoughts are that blasphemous, why even celebrate Christmas? Well, because I want to. Because I like it. It has just as little meaning as anything else, but the feelings are real. Just because I'm a nihilist, I don't have to reject the feelings that are left over from the time where I wasn't. Christmas is a wonderful holiday. The feelings that come with it are enough reason to celebrate it. It doesn't need any other meaning for me.
Merry Christmas to everyone reading this. I really hope you're having a wonderful time.
