The Tragedy of Tucan’t

It's so easy to hate someone, just because they engineer a mind control virus and try to administer it to an unsuspecting, innocent person, and you should. But isn't it tragic, that someone might understand so much about reality that they can create advanced technology, yet so little about life that they consider this a valid solution to unfulfilled desires? If you find this intriguing, continue to read. (If you don't, don't. I won't judge.)

Imagine for a moment you were Tucan’t. I know, you don't want to, because they're evil and you don't want to be evil. But I promise, a little thought experiment will not hurt you and it will not make you evil. You can be your morally superior self afterwards again. Are you with me? Good.

Look around! Are you seeing this? All these intricate details, all these objects interacting in complex, yet fully predictable ways and you know it all. You understand the universe, from the Laniakea Supercluster, down to the quantum level. All this knowledge makes the universe melt in your hands, like clay, so you can shape it to your desires by means of technology. The only thing you don't understand is yourself, and it's driving you insane. For some reason, you want to feel less alone, less cold, less tired. You want to feel the touch of another person so badly. That one person, to be precise. But why? Why do you want this? It makes no sense! You know it's just chemical processes, hormones, pheromones, your endocrine system reacting to external stimuli to fulfill the task it was given by evolution, the great algorithm that brought you into existence. But for what? Only to make you suffer? You refuse to suffer. You consider it a challenge. It's just another complex system after all. So you address it by the only means you ever learned to solve problems. Technology. Cold, rational, logic. Algorithms. After all, what are you yourself, but an algorithm. You might be made from the same substances as everyone else, but you are not like them. You were born a machine.

Now stop the thought experiment. Welcome back. You can be yourself again. Anything you felt was not you. That was Tucan't. Your're not Tucan't. Tucan't is entirely fictitious.

Now, maybe you have questions. Maybe you're even angry. Did we just try to justify enslaving people? No. Remember that understanding is different from agreeing. Tucan't is a criminal. A despicable individual that has never caused any real catastrophe, for the sole reason that they always fail to do so, despite their best efforts. I don't want you to have any sympathy with them. I just want you to appreciate the tragedy.

Comic transcript

Panel 1:
The beautiful parrot is sitting with Tucan't at an opulent table with a giant candelabra and some wine glasses.
T: So ... uhh ... do you ... do you want some ... BLT bubble gum?
BP: what?
Panel 2:
T: No? Well, guess it’s time for plan B then. I engineered a mind control virus that will turn you into my mindless slave. Remember that little sting you felt when pushing the elevator button? That was ...
BP: leaving I took the stairs. See you later Tucan’t.